July 12, 2009


It was May 8, 2009. A fairly typical morning for me and Jessica. We got up, took care of the animals, had our coffee and coffee talk. She always had the celebrity gossip and I always had the current events and illuminati news. It was actually a very cheerful morning for us because we were looking forward to having a nice cuddly evening at home together when I got off work. We were going to have fish for dinner and begin our traditional "getting healthy for the summer" kick. And also we decided not to drink that night, because we had been partying a little too hard the past week!! We just celebrated 10 years together on May 5, and started a couple days early! My birthday was also coming up on the 23rd, and we needed to save some strength. I didn't have to be at work until 5pm, so we spent the morning and afternoon just loving on each other and being sweet!

When the time came for me to leave, we kissed and cuddled more, and I asked her if she'd write me something on a little piece of paper, because I always kept something she had written on in my pocket(grocery lists, notes, etc). She thought that was so sweet of me and smiled at me in that way, giving me those big beautiful doe eyes. Doing the little things were always most important to us.

She wrote this to me: "Stars are twinkling back at your soul. There's so much to look forward to, so YOU smile". Then we made out and hugged as tight as we could. She followed me to the door like she did every day, gave me more kisses as I got to the door, and we said goodbye. While I was leaving on my moped, I noticed she wasn't in the window waving to me and blowing me kisses like she usually did. I think maybe she had a lot of stuff to do online that day. I told her she had been working way too hard lately, and she needed to take a few days off. She agreed. I'm pretty certain that working so hard on the internet and tweeking through computer code and web pages all the time led to her epilepsy coming back.

After I got to work, I noticed I forgot my comb. My hair was a mess, and I know you might say "So what" but I have to park cars for Senators and other politicians and I can't look like shit. I texted Jessica complaining about it. She reassured me saying "Aw, it'll be dark outside soon honey and no one will notice" and I said yea, I can deal with it , but being the sweetheart that she was, she felt sorry for me and offered to bring me a comb. She wanted to come visit me anyway because we missed each other so bad when we weren't together. I told her "That would be so awesome of you honey!" She needed to get out of the house too, and that little angel LOVED to ride her moped. I was so proud of her when she learned to ride, and she was so damn CUTE on that thing! Jessica worked so hard, she was cooped up in this house for 10 or more hours a day just working and keeping the animals in line. I talked to her for a few minutes on the phone before she left, being all sweet at each other, and we said I love you, and the last thing I heard her beautiful voice say was "See you in a half hour!"

I started getting worried after an hour. I called her and called her wondering why she wasn't answering. I called Ben to see if he had talked to her since. He said no. Immediately I felt a sharp pain in my stomach and I started crying and hyperventillating. I told Ben I felt something was really wrong, and I needed to call the Nashville PD to find out if there were any accidents. Yes, there was an accident involving a pink moped on Nolensville Rd. I dropped what I was doing and sped away to the hospital. Turned out she had left her phone at home.

When I got into the ICU, Jessica knew I had made it and she tried to sit up. They said they had to induce a medical coma because she was thrashing around too much. Didn't stop her from letting me know she knew I was there! I stayed with Jessica by her side the whole weekend. I did not eat a thing, I only went home to feed the animals and went right back to her. For awhile I was feeling positive she would make it. They did two craniotomies to relieve her brain swelling, to no avail. She died in my arms on Mother's Day 2009. They had to peel me off of her. I was yelling at the doctors telling them I didn't like how they treated me like I was so unimportant just because Jessica and I never got married on paper. We lived together for 10 years straight, we lived together from the moment we met! We felt it was none of the government's business that we were in love and wanted to be together forever. I left for awhile to calm down before her Dad got there.

I've talked to witnesses and they all say it looked like she had a blood sugar fit or maybe heart attack while she was riding, and fell unconscious smacking her head right on the road. She was wearing a helmet. Jessica ate healthy, so I know it wasn't a heart attack. A voice in my head said "seizure". She hadn't had one since she was a little girl, so we never worried about it. We assumed the acupuncture as a child had cured her epilepsy. Like I said, I'm certain that working so hard with her face in a computer screen contributed to it. She was a genius, she had 10 projects going and 1000 more in her head. We had a LOT of plans. We were going to start a hardcore band, create a comedy sketch show, we were going to sell soup from a cart downtown during the winter to all the office yuppies, she was writing a book(I've taken that over), she was painting pictures, she was re-training herself on the viola(she was trained as a child, as well as piano), she was going to get into interior design because she was so good at it. And the list goes on.

Jessica's closest loved ones watched as I swam with her ashes in Lake Superior on June 20, 2009. The 10 year anniversary of when Jessica gave me her virginity. Yes, we celebrated that too! It meant a lot to us. You know, Jessica was one of the most ladylike, wholesome girls you could ever meet, despite what she did for a living. She was never some porno whore getting fucked by a bunch of scumbags, we made our OWN porn! She despised sleaze, we always talked about how sex was pointless if you're not in love. We also talked about how gross it would be to kiss someone elses mouth or touch their genitals hahah eeewww!!!!

Anyway, her closest friends and I celebrated her life together, and she was there with us. We drank and carried on in her name like there was no tomorrow! I lit a candle on a stone outside the fire circle and it burned all night until the sun came up. And it was windy as hell that night.


Anonymous said...

Beautiful and brillant. Please take care.

Anonymous said...

Hugs to you Joe...

I meant to tell you a funny story about the kitten I rescued.

I adopted her last year from shelter. Then her name was Jessie but I just called her kitty...just suited her cute lil thing.

I ran across all her paperwork unpacking a few weeks ago...then I saw it written down on my forms...Jessie Kitty...needless to say I had a great cry and just smiled. I figured Jessie was just being a brat the day I put it all together. Thought you might smile from it.

Rachel said...

Please, never give up. Ur life is still go on. And Jessica would be happy to see u smiling. And she will stay forever in our sweet memory.

Xandra said...

thank you. thank you for sharing this and for leaving up the "just one smile" vid. none of us *fans* can fathom the depth of what you must feel.
i will tell you this. some days, the only thing worth getting up for, was to see what jessiekitty was up to. and because of her...i wont take life for granted ever again.
my thoughts are with you.

Chop Logik said...

Thanks for this.